For a long time I just carried on in the “normal” way of my life or the way I had perceived to be the best way to do things. I was full of a lot of anger which I actually learnt happens to cover over fear. Like not being in control, or loosing control even. It is safe to say I spent most of my teens into my 20’s scared of many things, death being one of the biggest.
It was then made a million times worse when I became a mum, because for a long time I blamed other people for my anger it was always someone else’s fault not mine. Regardless of the fact it is me shouting my head off, using the words that can seriously hurt people. I never could take the responsibility of my own actions and words. So when Hayley came along I then had this fear of if I don’t do something I am going to royally f**k up this childs life.
I posted on Sunday in my Devonshire Shepherdess page a bit about this, how I did start with the anger and the shouting for the first 3 years of Hayleys life, it was my go to reaction. Until Hayley was about 2 or 3 and then I met my match, because it turned out my daughter could shout just as loud as me, but she could also get violent pulling my hair, biting me, hitting me. The words of my mother in love ringing in my ears, “if you don’t get on top of this by the time she is 7 you are going to have a problem”. Of course though it wasn’t Hayley’s fault is was mine.
I am a firm believer in the fact our words carry so much power, good ones and bad ones. Just the other day Hayley said she hated herself and wanted to die, she is 6. She had no idea where it had come from but it did, and out of the mouth speaks the words of the heart. In December 2013 when I was pregnant with Hayley I was in a dark place, I was in a lot of pain with the SPD I had caused by working my body into the ground, and I was angry. I know that at some point in my pregnancy I will have said those words out loud, or just deep in my heart and they went into Hayleys soul. By her speaking them out though they no longer have the power over her, they would have if that was left circling around her subconscious mind for ever. Thankfully I know that when these things come out of children, they are for their good even if your left feeling terrified.
Then there has been this wonderful word of “brat” bandished around over Christmas out of my mouth! because you can trust me when I say I am not perfect. So I have had to say sorry for that word, and make sure she knows that it is not what I meant to say over her, because this will become her inner voice.
I’ll say that again our voice becomes our children’s inner voice, so we want them thinking good things about them not bad.
But don’t be frightened if this has just caused you to think of a stream of words you have used over your children, or even over adults, because the chances are you have said them because they are your internal voice coming out. And if we have the power to do one thing, it is to completely change our own internal voice, and allow our hearts and souls to be healed. One of the key ways I have done this, I have allowed my soul to speak I guess is by writing and talking things out, this is powerful and painful all at the same time.
For example if you think you’re a crap mum, if this thought is going around in there because you have come to that conclusion, or worse someone has said it over you. You need to get that out because what you think you become. That’s as simple as it is, if you believe you are a miserable person you will become worse as you get older. Whereas if you start to change your thoughts into “I am a good mum” even if you don’t whole heartedly believe it yet, then you will start to become the mum you hoped and dreamed you would become.
One of the main ways I have gotten these thoughts out is to write them on a piece of paper, it can be hard to catch thoughts when you first start this, so it is good to give yourself some time, have a pen and paper and sit and listen to what you are thinking. Write as many as you can down. When I did this the first time, I couldn’t even keep up, and I burnt it afterwards it was so awful what crap was in there. It was this very exercise though that opened me up to the knowledge that I have the power within me to change all these things. I don’t have to believe them anymore, and you have this exact same power within you.
“You’ve got the power to change”
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